Review: Five Rings

I have two requirements for sports books:

1. Tell me something I don’t know

2. Don’t tell me something I know is false

Neither rule sets the bar too high, but on both counts, Jerry Thorton’s history of the New England Patriots over the last two decades falls short. It’s really disappointing, as I hoped to pass the interminable wait for New England’s latest trip to the Super Bowl with an engaging read. The experience, however, was more like watching the Patriots waltz through a desultory November game against an opponent who had already packed it in for the year.

I found no information in this book that wasn’t either common knowledge among Patriots fans like myself, or could be discovered through a simple Google search. As far as I could tell, the author conducted no new interviews, did minimal additional research, and scanned a couple DVDs from his entertainment center to perform his “analysis” of key Patriots games. It’s a disappointing performance, the equivalent of a wide receiver jogging through his route, and particularly upsetting when you consider the opening scene: the author roaming through the White House as part of the media team covering the Patriots’ perfunctory presidential visit. (The support for The Fraud among the quarterback, coach, and owner of my favorite professional football team is at the top of my Things I Don’t Like To Talk About list.) I fully expected some revealing anecdote or observation — a funny offhand comment, an unusual portrait hanging in the hall perhaps — but, nah. To use yet another football analogy, the lack of any memorable information from the White House visit was like having your quarterback overthrow a wide-open receiver in the end zone.

Moving on to my second rule, I found a disturbing number of factual errors. To give one example, the author states that after the Patriots lost the 2017 AFC Championship game to Denver, Tom Brady’s playoff records against Peyton Manning fell to 2-2. Because I devote far too much of my memory to meaningless sports statistics (a malady I share with 95% of sports fans from the New England region), I know Brady and Manning have actually met five times in the playoffs, with three of those games won by (and I’m forcing myself to complete this sentence) Manning. Call them trivial errors, but for someone who claims to be a dutiful fan of the team, they’re just not excusable.

His dust-cover biography claims the author is a stand-up comic, so I was even more disappointed to discover very few laugh lines (although I must admit, “there are two things I know to be true: Witches don’t exist. But witch hunts always manage to find them” is as insightful as it is funny). It’s odd, because Thorton at times can be a clever writer, with a gift for metaphor; when describing Tom Brady’s cool response in a high-pressure situation, he writes: “his body language was that of a guy flipping through the channel guide looking to see what’s on.” I admire writing like this; I just wish there was more to admire about this book.

If you’re a Patriots fan with a short memory, you may find this review of the Patriots’ remarkable run (which could result in yet another championship later tonight) refreshing. But if you’re looking for more, you’re likely to be disappointed.

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