Been a while since the last update on my fencing career, and while I could take the easy way out and blame my other blogging commitments and otherwise busy schedule — truth is, I’ve been avoiding the topic, because there hasn’t been much progress to report.
Entered two more tournnaments, both E events, since that last update in March. And while I’m well aware of my current ability level, and sensed I had caught some breaks in the March tournament that resulted in a finish above my level, I still expected to continue improving, to come away from the next two events with that same feeling of accomplishment.
Didn’t happen. If anything, felt like I took a step back, losing every pool bout (not scoring any touches in several), and scoring just a single DE victory between the tournaments. My attacks were desperate and spasmodic (think Daffy Duck with a sword), never gained control over distance or tempo; blade work was probably ineffective as well, but the reality was that the touches I surrendered were lost in the engagement before blade action came into effect. In March, felt like I knew what I was trying to do even when I didn’t execute well; since then, I’ve been fencing without a clue, searching rather than competing.
But I’ve got no thought of walking away from the sport this time. It’s hard to have fun when you’re facing another DFL finish, but I’m wondering now if not having fun is the cause, rather than the end result, of these disappointing results. Find it absurd to consider that I’m putting too much pressure on myself, but the reality is that I could feel the tension in my body from the moment of registration at those tournaments, never could get myself to relax. Lost sight of the reason I got back into fencing after a thirty-year absence, how when I’m on strip and trading steel with a competitor who’s trying to stab me with a pointy weapon, how in those moments I feel completely alive, how energy courses through every cell of my being like an energized grid. Not once, even during my lone victory, did I experience that sensation over those last two tournaments, and if that were to continue then I would consider it time to walk away.
So the plan going forward, is to reconnect with that spirit of excitement and energy, so that I’m registering for my next tournament in order to feed that hunger rather than to meet some arbitrary performance goal.